Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I've ever heard

 

Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I’ve ever heard

To start our weekend off right, I offer these pick up lines to all of you heading out for the evening trolling, uh, I mean, searching for love. The following are old ones, new ones, cheesy ones, and groaners. At least one should give you a good chuckle.

In no way, shape, or form do I recommend or condone the use of any of the following pick up lines. Unless, of course, they work, then in that case, it was all me.

Here we go, and good luck.

*** 

I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

***

Hey, I got a question for you.  What do you call twelve Ford F150s at a rock quarry?

 I have no idea.

 A pick up line that actually works.

***

Him: Bond.  James Bond.

Her: Off.  Fuck off. 

***

You're absolutely gorgeous, and I'd like to think your inner beauty is even more so. I'd like the chance to find out.

***

Hello. My name is Elmer J. Fudd. Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. (You have to be old enough to know where this line is from, what voice to say it in, and are speaking to someone who is old enough to understand the joke.)

***

What has 148 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? 

 My zipper.

***

It's no use pretending to be a beautiful dumb blonde. I can tell you're a smart intelligent woman. (pause)

No, seriously, I'm a rocket scientist. I know these things.

***

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? ‘Cuz you have one sweet ass.

***

Let's talk about feelings. Emotions in beautiful women fascinate me. Right now I'm feeling very nervous. Say something to calm me down.

***

Even Nestle doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.

***

Bathsheba had nothing on you.

***

I was so caught up by your beauty, I ran into that wall over there. So I’m gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes.

***

I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?

***

I own a car wash. Let’s get dirty.

***

Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

***

You don’t have health insurance, do you? Because you have got “fine” written all over you.

***

There’s something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.

***

If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

***

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.

***

I’m writing a blog on the most beautiful things I’ve seen. Mind if I interview you?

***

Are you a weeping angel? Because I haven’t blinked since I first saw your face.

***

Do you have a band-aid? I scraped me knee falling for you.

***

Do you remember me? No? Oh that’s right! We’ve only met in my dreams!

***

Be careful out there, ladies and gentlemen. And remember…The author does not assume and hereby disclaims any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by the use of the previous suggestions, whether such loss, damage or disruption results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Shark Bait

Shark Bait

In case you didn’t know, I’m a Floridian. The ocean does not scare me. However, I hold a healthy respect for stingrays, jellyfish, man-o-war’s, the sharks, and any other creature that may deem me an in-between-meal snack.

One day this summer I found myself on a glass-bottom-boat tour in the Bahamas. The boat was older, privately owned, but still a sea-worthy vessel. The captain stopped the boat in forty foot, crystal clear waters. The first mate tells us the fish are plentiful and will come to the boat if we throw fish food overboard. Which he is selling for two dollars a cup. I smile and decline, as the others clamor for their wallets.

As a school of yellow tail snapper swarm beneath the hull and fight for the food thrown overboard, I catch a glimpse of something gliding by further below, probably thirty to forty feet further down. A man-eater. I think it’s a sand shark, but it’s hard to tell from the straight down angle through the double pane glass.

My first thought was the shark came to feed on the yellow tails. Then I became concerned for the dive boat off of our port bow. I wanted to talk to the captain so he could give warning. I found him on the upper deck, holding a line strung through a barracuda. I keep my concerns to myself and scurry back down to the lower deck. The Bahamian captain displayed a confidence handling the line. There was something about to take place that I did not want to miss, no matter how respectful I may be toward to the terrifying sea life.

The view to the bottom now shows not one, but three sharks, far below, gliding back and forth, as if keeping sentry. The intercom announces to the passengers the captain has a ‘treat’ for us, and we should all come to the starboard side to catch a glimpse of a great white.

Every one of us lined up, cameras ready. I found a spot on the starboard side with a view of the upper deck where the captain stood, all the way to the water surface below. I cued up the video.

The captain dropped the barracuda attached by a rope into the water. Within five seconds he had a bite. He and his first mate heaved the line to withdraw from the water a six-foot behemoth, holding the offered shark bait with row upon row of dagger shaped teeth.

They continued to pull this monster from another age up and out of the water, until the thing was within an arm’s reach of the crew on the upper deck. Literally. An arm’s reach. The Captain, still holding the line with one hand, reached out and pets the damn thing. He pets the snout, inches from those blades of teeth!

After the display, the crew lowered the rope the living nightmare held through the barracuda. When the tip of the shark’s tail touched the water’s surface, the jaws clamped shut, biting through the bait, and the beast fell back with a minimum of water displacement. Two thirds of the barracuda swung on the tether. The nervous passengers were asked over the intercom if we’d like to see the shark again.

A second lowering of the shark bait brought a fight amongst the monstrosities. Shark noses, eyes and jaws broke the surface in a frenzied froth. The shark that won the battle for the bloody remnants was pulled out of the water as the first had been. To say the six-footer was the behemoth was an overstatement. The second shark’s tail barely cleared the water as the Captain, from the upper deck, cooed and petted the living nightmare. Again, as the show came to an end, and the crew lowered the colossus to the surface, the moment the tail touched water the teeth of the ancient predator ripped through the barracuda and splashed back to the depths from which it rose.

Afterwards, I watched my video recording of the first shark. The angle, the lighting, the Captain, the shark, and even the barracuda were recorded perfectly from my spot on the starboard side. While not a great white, I’m pretty sure it was a thresher, but it could have been a sand shark. Gratitude is offered to my fellow passengers for screaming, scurrying from the rail, and staying out of my camera shot for the entire show. What did you think? The sharks would fly over the rail and eat you?

Well, then again...

 Shark jumps into boat

Ancient Antique Artifacts

A couple of years ago, I hired a temp staffer to help our secretary during a particularly busy period. He was a nice young man and seemed to know what he was doing. One day the secretary came to my office and told me he asked if we'd be willing to train him on the 'manual keyboard'. He didn't know what it was called. We both cracked up (behind my office door, of course).

In all fairness, when we told him it was a typewriter, he blushed and said "Oh, yeah. My grandmother has something like that."

It didn't make it any better.

Dear Karma

Seen on a random post...

Dear Karma,

I have a list of people you missed. 

Boy, do I ever!