I Need a Drink - by Karen McDaniel

This was written by a friend of mine, and I could not keep all the laughs to myself! So, I had to share!

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6 am, 20 degrees. 7 am, 20.1 degrees. 8 am, 20.3 degrees.

Start the dishwasher. It's leaking slightly. Curse, mop up. Discover mouse is looking at me with interest from next to the dishwasher bottom plate. Yell. Curse. Entertain mouse.

Husband comes down to see what is the fuss. Mouse runs across kitchen and into another part of the house. Husband chases. Mouse eludes. Mouse is somewhere laughing...

Dig out trap from last use. Discover dead mouse in it. Many days dead. Take mouse outside in 20 degree temp to dispose of. Stuck to trap. Pick up frosty stick and disengage. Curse. Entertain dog. Tell dog under no conditions is she to attempt mouse retrieval for morning snack.

Return to house, spend several minutes cleaning fur off mouse trap using hot water, toothpicks, and bathroom sink. Reset trap. Meanwhile husband has been working on dishwasher, leaves for work announcing it has stopped leaking.

I'm not sure who won this round, but I'm positive it wasn't me.

9:45 am 23.3 degrees. Dishwasher did NOT stop leaking, leak was redirected. Instead of a flood in the kitchen, I have wet sheetrock on the basement ceiling and puddles of water down there.

So the mouse wasn't taunting me... he was complaining to the landlord his apartment was flooded...

Hole cut in basement ceiling so the joist is drying out. Hole cut in wall so the sill plates are drying out.  Mouse nest cleaned out behind dishwasher, insulation repaired.

1:50 PM  32 degrees.  Heat wave.

And I've been reported to the Rodent Housing Authority.

Start pouring.  I'll let you know when to stop!

Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I've ever heard

 

Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I’ve ever heard

To start our weekend off right, I offer these pick up lines to all of you heading out for the evening trolling, uh, I mean, searching for love. The following are old ones, new ones, cheesy ones, and groaners. At least one should give you a good chuckle.

In no way, shape, or form do I recommend or condone the use of any of the following pick up lines. Unless, of course, they work, then in that case, it was all me.

Here we go, and good luck.

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I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

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Hey, I got a question for you.  What do you call twelve Ford F150s at a rock quarry?

 I have no idea.

 A pick up line that actually works.

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Him: Bond.  James Bond.

Her: Off.  Fuck off. 

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You're absolutely gorgeous, and I'd like to think your inner beauty is even more so. I'd like the chance to find out.

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Hello. My name is Elmer J. Fudd. Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. (You have to be old enough to know where this line is from, what voice to say it in, and are speaking to someone who is old enough to understand the joke.)

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What has 148 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? 

 My zipper.

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It's no use pretending to be a beautiful dumb blonde. I can tell you're a smart intelligent woman. (pause)

No, seriously, I'm a rocket scientist. I know these things.

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Did you sit in a pile of sugar? ‘Cuz you have one sweet ass.

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Let's talk about feelings. Emotions in beautiful women fascinate me. Right now I'm feeling very nervous. Say something to calm me down.

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Even Nestle doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.

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Bathsheba had nothing on you.

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I was so caught up by your beauty, I ran into that wall over there. So I’m gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes.

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I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?

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I own a car wash. Let’s get dirty.

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Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

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You don’t have health insurance, do you? Because you have got “fine” written all over you.

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There’s something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.

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If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

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Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.

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I’m writing a blog on the most beautiful things I’ve seen. Mind if I interview you?

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Are you a weeping angel? Because I haven’t blinked since I first saw your face.

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Do you have a band-aid? I scraped me knee falling for you.

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Do you remember me? No? Oh that’s right! We’ve only met in my dreams!

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Be careful out there, ladies and gentlemen. And remember…The author does not assume and hereby disclaims any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by the use of the previous suggestions, whether such loss, damage or disruption results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Happy Rum Day

August 16, 2013 – National Rum Day

Today, of all days, we must try to set the record straight.

There is a current television commercial for a particular brand of rum that tells of how the Cuba Libre was first invented. The commercial purports an American solider brought Coke to the island of Cuba. A beautiful Cuban girl pours Bacardi into the bottle. Thrusting the bottle back into the hand of the soldier, she proclaims “Cuba Libre!”

This gives the impression, to anyone familiar with the island’s history, that the drink was created during the Spanish-American war.

It’s a nice story, but, um, there are a few problems with it.

The island didn’t see a Coke until 1900. Roosevelt’s troops left in 1898. 

Meh.

No one knows for certain how the drink came to be, but the one thing (for me) is the lime. A rum and coke, is a rum and coke, is a rum and coke. But, the difference is the lime.

The proper recipe -

Cuba Libre

 1 part rum

2 parts soda

The juice from 1 wedge of a Key Lime

The Key Lime is non-negotiable. If you use a Persian lime, it is not a Cuba Libre. Persian Limes have a tart flavor, where key limes are almost sweet. It is a perfect compliment to a wonderful drink. It’s what makes the rum and coke a Cuba Libre.

So, raise a toast to a Free Cuba!

Happy Rum Day!