Happy New Year from Florida

Amazon Kindle - Oh what a feeling! - Part Duex

Wow! What a roller coaster of emotions. Anyone who has uploaded their first book to Kindle must understand. I've been checking the status of sales, re-reading the manuscript, researching marketing tips, all of it. But then, one of my favorite author/reviewers sent me an email.

It had two pages of nits and typo fixes for the uploaded text. ARG!

There were some out-right, ridiculous errors and typos that completely escaped me. And they were things I'd changed and updated since the last time my professional editor saw it. So, it was all on me.

Oh well. They've been corrected and re-uploaded. McShane is, once again, "In Review" on Kindle. Once we go live, I'll post the new link here.

Amazon Kindle - Oh what a feeling!

I did it! After angst, anxiety, mistakes and more, my story, McShane Mini-Mysery - Billionaire at the Bar is now live on Kindle.

When the Kindle email came through informing me McShane was now (finally!) available online, I read it aloud to my husband. Then he said, "Your mama would have been proud."

Yeah, I cried.

Here's the announcement I've been sending out...

***

McShane Mini-Mystery, Billionaire at the Bar is now live on Kindle.

When the love of her life is viciously slain, Sam discovers secrets her lover kept which will change her life, for better and worse, forever. But can she stay one step ahead of the killer?

Do you only have a brief time to read, but still would like to read a complete mystery? Are you disappointed to find most “Mini-Mysteries” out there are targeted for children? Then you need to buy a copy of “Billionaire at the Bar”, the first of the McShane series of mini-mysteries for adults. The McShane Mini-Mysteries is a complete set of short and satisfying stories that adults can enjoy.

Go to http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HB6H6UI now to pick up your 99¢ copy of McShane Mini-Mystery, Billionaire at the Bar. 

*** 

So now, as I understand it, the real works begins. Yeah, like writing it was the 'easy' part. Nope, the hard part is marketing. Somehow, I have to let the world know this book is out there. Among the 300,000 books uploaded annually, my little tale will be drowned. 

Wish me luck!

Or, you could go buy a copy yourself. Thanks, :)

I Need a Drink - by Karen McDaniel

This was written by a friend of mine, and I could not keep all the laughs to myself! So, I had to share!

************

6 am, 20 degrees. 7 am, 20.1 degrees. 8 am, 20.3 degrees.

Start the dishwasher. It's leaking slightly. Curse, mop up. Discover mouse is looking at me with interest from next to the dishwasher bottom plate. Yell. Curse. Entertain mouse.

Husband comes down to see what is the fuss. Mouse runs across kitchen and into another part of the house. Husband chases. Mouse eludes. Mouse is somewhere laughing...

Dig out trap from last use. Discover dead mouse in it. Many days dead. Take mouse outside in 20 degree temp to dispose of. Stuck to trap. Pick up frosty stick and disengage. Curse. Entertain dog. Tell dog under no conditions is she to attempt mouse retrieval for morning snack.

Return to house, spend several minutes cleaning fur off mouse trap using hot water, toothpicks, and bathroom sink. Reset trap. Meanwhile husband has been working on dishwasher, leaves for work announcing it has stopped leaking.

I'm not sure who won this round, but I'm positive it wasn't me.

9:45 am 23.3 degrees. Dishwasher did NOT stop leaking, leak was redirected. Instead of a flood in the kitchen, I have wet sheetrock on the basement ceiling and puddles of water down there.

So the mouse wasn't taunting me... he was complaining to the landlord his apartment was flooded...

Hole cut in basement ceiling so the joist is drying out. Hole cut in wall so the sill plates are drying out.  Mouse nest cleaned out behind dishwasher, insulation repaired.

1:50 PM  32 degrees.  Heat wave.

And I've been reported to the Rodent Housing Authority.

Start pouring.  I'll let you know when to stop!

Florida Christmas Tree

For those of you going out to buy your live Christmas tree this week, allow this Floridian to offer a tip to eliminate any unwanted "guests" that might try to ride into your home.

First, find a pool. If you have one, great, if not, see if a neighbor or friend might let you use theirs. Leave your tree in its netted sheath, and drop into the pool. Leave it there for at least a day. This will run any ants, spiders, roaches, lizards, mice, etc from your tree and keep them from getting into your home. Bonus point: the tree gets super-hydrated, helping preserve its needles longer.

Wishing you a Merry (Florida) Christmas!

Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I've ever heard

 

Best (and/or Worst) Pick up Lines I’ve ever heard

To start our weekend off right, I offer these pick up lines to all of you heading out for the evening trolling, uh, I mean, searching for love. The following are old ones, new ones, cheesy ones, and groaners. At least one should give you a good chuckle.

In no way, shape, or form do I recommend or condone the use of any of the following pick up lines. Unless, of course, they work, then in that case, it was all me.

Here we go, and good luck.

*** 

I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

***

Hey, I got a question for you.  What do you call twelve Ford F150s at a rock quarry?

 I have no idea.

 A pick up line that actually works.

***

Him: Bond.  James Bond.

Her: Off.  Fuck off. 

***

You're absolutely gorgeous, and I'd like to think your inner beauty is even more so. I'd like the chance to find out.

***

Hello. My name is Elmer J. Fudd. Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht. (You have to be old enough to know where this line is from, what voice to say it in, and are speaking to someone who is old enough to understand the joke.)

***

What has 148 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? 

 My zipper.

***

It's no use pretending to be a beautiful dumb blonde. I can tell you're a smart intelligent woman. (pause)

No, seriously, I'm a rocket scientist. I know these things.

***

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? ‘Cuz you have one sweet ass.

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Let's talk about feelings. Emotions in beautiful women fascinate me. Right now I'm feeling very nervous. Say something to calm me down.

***

Even Nestle doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.

***

Bathsheba had nothing on you.

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I was so caught up by your beauty, I ran into that wall over there. So I’m gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes.

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I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?

***

I own a car wash. Let’s get dirty.

***

Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

***

You don’t have health insurance, do you? Because you have got “fine” written all over you.

***

There’s something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.

***

If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

***

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.

***

I’m writing a blog on the most beautiful things I’ve seen. Mind if I interview you?

***

Are you a weeping angel? Because I haven’t blinked since I first saw your face.

***

Do you have a band-aid? I scraped me knee falling for you.

***

Do you remember me? No? Oh that’s right! We’ve only met in my dreams!

***

Be careful out there, ladies and gentlemen. And remember…The author does not assume and hereby disclaims any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by the use of the previous suggestions, whether such loss, damage or disruption results from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

Shark Bait

Shark Bait

In case you didn’t know, I’m a Floridian. The ocean does not scare me. However, I hold a healthy respect for stingrays, jellyfish, man-o-war’s, the sharks, and any other creature that may deem me an in-between-meal snack.

One day this summer I found myself on a glass-bottom-boat tour in the Bahamas. The boat was older, privately owned, but still a sea-worthy vessel. The captain stopped the boat in forty foot, crystal clear waters. The first mate tells us the fish are plentiful and will come to the boat if we throw fish food overboard. Which he is selling for two dollars a cup. I smile and decline, as the others clamor for their wallets.

As a school of yellow tail snapper swarm beneath the hull and fight for the food thrown overboard, I catch a glimpse of something gliding by further below, probably thirty to forty feet further down. A man-eater. I think it’s a sand shark, but it’s hard to tell from the straight down angle through the double pane glass.

My first thought was the shark came to feed on the yellow tails. Then I became concerned for the dive boat off of our port bow. I wanted to talk to the captain so he could give warning. I found him on the upper deck, holding a line strung through a barracuda. I keep my concerns to myself and scurry back down to the lower deck. The Bahamian captain displayed a confidence handling the line. There was something about to take place that I did not want to miss, no matter how respectful I may be toward to the terrifying sea life.

The view to the bottom now shows not one, but three sharks, far below, gliding back and forth, as if keeping sentry. The intercom announces to the passengers the captain has a ‘treat’ for us, and we should all come to the starboard side to catch a glimpse of a great white.

Every one of us lined up, cameras ready. I found a spot on the starboard side with a view of the upper deck where the captain stood, all the way to the water surface below. I cued up the video.

The captain dropped the barracuda attached by a rope into the water. Within five seconds he had a bite. He and his first mate heaved the line to withdraw from the water a six-foot behemoth, holding the offered shark bait with row upon row of dagger shaped teeth.

They continued to pull this monster from another age up and out of the water, until the thing was within an arm’s reach of the crew on the upper deck. Literally. An arm’s reach. The Captain, still holding the line with one hand, reached out and pets the damn thing. He pets the snout, inches from those blades of teeth!

After the display, the crew lowered the rope the living nightmare held through the barracuda. When the tip of the shark’s tail touched the water’s surface, the jaws clamped shut, biting through the bait, and the beast fell back with a minimum of water displacement. Two thirds of the barracuda swung on the tether. The nervous passengers were asked over the intercom if we’d like to see the shark again.

A second lowering of the shark bait brought a fight amongst the monstrosities. Shark noses, eyes and jaws broke the surface in a frenzied froth. The shark that won the battle for the bloody remnants was pulled out of the water as the first had been. To say the six-footer was the behemoth was an overstatement. The second shark’s tail barely cleared the water as the Captain, from the upper deck, cooed and petted the living nightmare. Again, as the show came to an end, and the crew lowered the colossus to the surface, the moment the tail touched water the teeth of the ancient predator ripped through the barracuda and splashed back to the depths from which it rose.

Afterwards, I watched my video recording of the first shark. The angle, the lighting, the Captain, the shark, and even the barracuda were recorded perfectly from my spot on the starboard side. While not a great white, I’m pretty sure it was a thresher, but it could have been a sand shark. Gratitude is offered to my fellow passengers for screaming, scurrying from the rail, and staying out of my camera shot for the entire show. What did you think? The sharks would fly over the rail and eat you?

Well, then again...

 Shark jumps into boat